fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
