I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
