bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
