I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
