Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
