if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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