They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
