Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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