don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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