I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
