Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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