Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
