I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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