Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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