We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
