i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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