Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
