Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
