I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
