now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
