She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
