She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
