its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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