i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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