My sheets look like a crime scene.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
