He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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