A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
