Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
