I have demons in me.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dignity is for republicans.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
