I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i will never coherently bang her
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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