Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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