I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm at about main and main street
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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