I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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