oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
