He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
