she woke up with a sticky ear
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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