I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
