I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
