are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
