I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
