Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I want her autograph on my taint
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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