youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
