What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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