the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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