Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he was CRYING into my vagina
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
