Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
