Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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