I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
