just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
