don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Blood and glitter go together right?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
