I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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