How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
