3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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