so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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