My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
