he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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