I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
