If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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