I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
