I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
