you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
