when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
